” Longing is particularly painful because you’ll trick yourself into questioning the progress you’ve made.
You do this because you feel good enough to remember what a wonderful thing love is, and you grasp for it, and the closest thing you reach is your recently-ended relationship, even though it wasn’t the right one for you.
I remember being totally and utterly convinced that after my ex broke up with me at 26 I had missed my chance and was doomed to be single forever. If he were 35 I would have told him he has oodles of time. Your journey may not be direct, and you may continue to cycle through the stages, but over time the negative emotions will be weaker and your acceptance will be more powerful.
Even my brother, after his first big breakup at 25, told me with a straight face he was going to focus on his career in the military “from here on out” because he was obviously too old to ever meet a woman, get married and have kids. And I wish I had told myself that too, because it’s true. When I emerged from the dark tunnel of my breakup and finally saw the light, it was brilliant. Because when you go through something so painful and get through it, you realize, I can handle anything. And you feel motivated to go out there and find it. They feel so true, so poignant, and you feel you are the only person who could possibly be suffering in the way you are suffering, but you are not.
I realized later, unsurprisingly, that this drawing greatly resembles the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross stages of grief.
If you go through a difficult breakup, you’ll likely cycle through these emotions. You’ll tell yourself: “Its all my fault” “I’m a horrible person” “I must not be lovable” You’ll feel varying degrees of despair after the end of a relationship depending on how attached you were- at it’s worst, the anguish can be pretty soul-crushing. You may feel sad for a while, and then angry, or you may switch rapidly between the two.
Chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, phenylethylamine and norepinephrine.
You feel sexually attracted to each other for life. I’ll explain how it works, where couples go wrong and what you need to do to get to stage five where you experience Blissful Love and want to stay together for life. Unfortunately, most couples only get to stage two and then break up.So, in the lust and romance stage of a relationship, which is otherwise known as the dating phase, the man and woman will experience a dump of natural chemicals in their brain.I’m going to use “him” to refer to the generic ex to avoid awkward pronoun switches, but of course this concept applies to women and men alike. No matter the person’s flaws or what he or she did to you, your ex is not all bad, and it’s not all their fault- in the same way it’s not all your fault. You’ll tell yourself: “This breakup is horrible, but it’s not the last time I’ll be in love” “Maybe I’ll be alright after all” This is probably the first time you’ll emerge from the pain and imagine a future that looks, if not bright, at least tolerable. Unfortunately and ironically- once you start feeling better, and once you have enough energy and emotional reserves to start feeling hopeful about the future- you’ll also have enough energy to regress into the seductive thought of getting back together with your ex.The idea of getting out there and dating again won’t seem like such a ridiculous and laughable idea. Unfortunately, early on in the recovery process, the periods of feeling “ok” will likely be short lived, followed by: 4. You’ll tell yourself: “Now that I’m feeling better, maybe we can be together” “I feel good. I’m still in love with him so he must be the right one for me” “Maybe we shouldn’t have broken up- could it have been a mistake?